Kanye Omari West was thrust into the court of public opinion over Labor Day weekend. On September 1st, a Twitter user shared a video of the part-time rapper, full-time church enthusiast allegedly “eating his earwax.” Predictably, the tweet went viral; by Tuesday it had amassed nearly 25,000 retweets, and well over 100,000 likes. Tens of thousands of people were operating under the assumption that West eats his own earwax, with dissidents arguing that was all a simple misunderstanding. Despite numerous protests from my editors claiming there must be a better use of my time, I felt that it was my duty to launch a personal investigation into this matter. West deserves a fair trial, especially since I’ll probably have to reckon with his musical legacy again if he follows through on dropping Jesus Is King later this month.
— dad bod (@j0rgecastr0) September 1, 2019
Exhibit A: Scratch and Sniff
Upon closer examination, it appears West’s fingers never touch his inner ear canal to gather a glob of cerumen. Instead, he performs more of a scratching motion to his ear lobe. After enhancing the video output to maximum operational levels [Ed. Note: He just pressed the fullscreen button], there was no evidence of earwax excavating in sight. In fact, there isn’t a sign of any ear excrement on West’s fingers.
Exhibit B: Taste Test
When West finishes touching his ear, his fingers immediately move to his mouth. However, if one plays close attention, it appears that he is trying to get something off of his tongue. There is no instance where it looks like West is savoring the (presumably) bitter and exotic flavor of his ear canal. Why would someone go through all of the trouble to grab a magnificent morsel if they weren’t going to relish in the taste of their ear’s fatty secretions?
Exhibit C: The Throw
After West’s fingers graze his tongue, he performs a throwing motion. For anyone who has ever had the displeasure of touching earwax, its sticky and molasses-like consistency isn’t conducive to a throwing motion (like a booger, per se). Unfortunately, West was probably experiencing itching discomfort and something foreign in his mouth at the same time.
Conclusion: It’s impossible to know whether West did or didn’t taste some semblance of earwax in the process of scratching his ear. After much deliberation, I feel it proper to use the power vested in me by the state of the music magazine that employs me to clear Kanye West of all earwax and earwax-adjacent charges. You don’t have to believe what you see on Twitter.